As of this morning President B. (I can’t spell Barack) Obama made an executive proclamation declaring that I, Michael S. Smith am now officially a Senior Citizen, I guess. I mean he gave me a Medicare card and as near as I can tell that means in the eyes of the government you are a Senior Citizen. Of course my Congressman, Congressman Fred “just call me Fred’ Upton immediately announced that he would fight to repeal that order just like all other things Obama does. Congressman Fred said “I am not a scientist but there is no definitive proof that the passage of time results in aging and that aging leads to senior citizenry”. I will proceed with this announcement assuming that his efforts will be unsuccessful.
So what are the requirements to be a senior citizen you ask. Age seems to have a lot to do with it. The booklet and rules document I received indicated some of the following requirements.
Your earliest known photo has to be done in sepia thus proving that that is a real thing and not just some crappy filter on your phone or camera.
Although it could be sepia because, if I recall correctly, the couch and wallpaper combination might have short circuited a color camera of the day. Anyway we moved a couple months after this picture to the big mansion on E. Race St.
You and everyone else your age was posed naked on a shag rug for a picture.
Of course today there would be the risk of involving the law and prosecutors for doing this. I did consider doing a then and now picture but when I checked with the Olan Mills they were not to interested and they didn’t have a big enough rug.
You need to be born 2 to 5 years before the first generally accepted as the first rock and roll songs. Some cite ‘Rocket 88’ from 1951
Of course one has to remember and identify a Rocket 88 running down the highway to qualify.
Others cite the 1954 ‘Rock Around the Clock’ because of its huge commercial success bringing rock and roll to the masses.
One note of importance all the dancing people in that video are too old to be senior citizens but they are included in the new demographic group being considered by congress, ‘The Olds’.
Most lawn mowers (including toy ones) didn’t have motors but cars did have fender skirts if you are old enough to be a Senior Citizen.
To be a senior citizen you needed to be wearing a flat brim hat 60 years before it was in style, although it didn’t need the big dumb sticker.
Thus proving that for my whole life I have been on the cutting edge of fashion.
Posing next to the brand new 55 Chevy Belair, yep that qualifies.
Painting a pole next to burning trash while wearing a Davy Crockett T shirt is also reason to qualify.
Feeding your youngest sister as a 9 year old during the same year Alaska and Hawaii became states is a qualifier.
Driving a 63 Chevy Impala station wagon to the Jr Prom, yep qualifies.
Also applies for the Sr. Prom, counts double if same suit and different tie and girl.
Graduate high school 2 years before man sets foot on the moon and a month before China gets the bomb is a qualifier.
Although it couldn’t have been a better time for music. Monterrey Pop 67 was in a month and this was 2 years before Woodstock. Here is Otis from Monterrey Pop. Watch the whole damn thing Junior Citizens.
Luckily I had proof for those and actually a few more but I guess this was enough to qualify.
All people that qualify of course are curious as to the benefits of being a Senior Citizen. First off if you are 65 you have already outlived 30% of the original group. That is a pretty big benefit. Hopefully the AARP will finally give up and quit sending requests for you to join their little club. While getting a hair cut the other day I saw that I will be able to save $2 on haircuts and if I get one on Tuesday I can save $4. I think they can do that because of the cost per hair that they have and statistically they found that seniors have less hair so if they can get them in they can actually make more profit per barber hour. Of course I could apply the fabric store logic that if I spend $40 and they tell me I saved $30 I’ll be real happy and buy more. Although when I told Mary to give them the fabric back and for them to give me $70 they seemed to change their story. So I could get a haircut every day and save something like $750 a year.
I’ve heard tell that I can now go to the mailbox in my underwear and nobody will complain. I can go down to the ‘all you can eat’ at 3:30 in the afternoon and fit right in. I can now use words like “whippersnapper” “by-cracky” and “sombitch” without sounding old.
Probably the best benefit is the little used but in my opinion quite useful benefit being able to replace all prefixes, titles, and honorifics with the all purpose call out “Junior Citizen” which I totally intend to exercise. From now on I can just not care who people are like Congressman Fred above, he is now Junior Citizen Fred. President Obama is now Junior Citizen Obama. So all you Junior Citizens just remember that there is a reason why you are only a lowly Junior Citizen and I’m not going to tell you what it is because in a few years I may forget what it is.
So all you Junior Citizens just turn down that music on that transistor radio, pull up them britches, go get a drink from the icebox, and goldarn it just stay the hell off the yard.